Why was I craving something that would be traumatic and terrible if it actually happened in real life? Although I have no interest in letting a man dictate my career or personal life, letting him do it in the bedroom titillates me. These fantasies didn’t and still don’t align with my feminist values. Even as a young teenager I remember getting excited at the idea of being grabbed and taken by a guy I had a crush on. I’ve had fantasies about being dominated for most of my adult life. There is a simplicity to it that helps me connect to sexual sensations and receive pleasure. It harkens back to childhood, when others called the shots. It’s a relief to give up control, by choice, to someone I trust. Submitting to a dominant has been a simultaneously comforting and erotic experience for me, as it is for many people. I’m a straight-ish female submissive who has been exploring my kinky side in the San Francisco BDSM community for the last year. The contracts are sometimes verbal, with details ironed out during conversation rather than in text, but no matter the medium, partners will almost always discuss their experience levels, hard limits, and safe words before “playing” together. It also makes issues of consent - which is crucial when power exchange and pain are involved - crystal clear. By establishing ground rules, each partner knows what’s expected of them. In BDSM communities, these kinds of contracts help dominants and submissives play with each other safely, both emotionally and physically. The contract wasn’t just a figment of author E. Before he had so much as seen her naked, Christian Grey pulled out a stack of papers for Anastasia Steele to fill out, outlining the terms of their agreement - everything from when they would spend time together to what they each would and wouldn’t do sexually. Fifty Shades of Grey might have gotten a lot wrong about the BDSM experience, but there’s one thing it got very right: The presence of a BDSM contract when a couple is negotiating the particulars of their relationship.

50 shades of gray contract